i am overloaded right now. these past two weeks living in a studio with him have been hard. not in the unbearable, oh my god i cant believe we are doing this hard, but none the less hard.

last night was particularly hard for me mostly because i am moody right now (read: stressed out about the move, tired, pms-y, overwhelemd). something about last night just got me questioning the whole move in together thing. i know it is because i am moody and it will pass and everyone has doubts at some point, but it made me sad to think that i was even having them in the first place.

events that transpired:
when i got home from work i got my things together to go to the gym and folded my laundry. lam and i said about three words to each other in this time period. i left and went to the gym for my first personal training session (which went really well). on my way home i was expecting to come home, have a really light dinner, shower, and spend some quality time with lam - we havent just sat on the couch and talked for a week or so. i did all of the above except spend quality time with him. he was busy watching tv and i didnt want to interrupt him so i did some reading and then passed out. i am hoping that once we move, we both get into a routine that we are happy with.

I know that it isn’t late by most standards, but I tried hitting the hay about an hour ago and I just couldn’t get still. I started thinking about my dissertation and my life and what I am going to do next. And it just got to me.

Yeah, I have been working on resumes and cover letters. And most of the people I am working with now are giving me suggestions of people to talk to in industry. Hell - some of my students want to pass my resume onto their boss, you know, the people who let these students go to school full-time and still have a job. But deep down inside, I really don’t have the slightest idea what would make me happy.

I figured if I couldn’t sleep, I might as well get up and work on my disseration. But once I sat down at the computer, two things started haunting me:
1. Was going for this degree the worst thing I ever did for myself?
2. And what if I can’t find a job, just like the last time I graduated, but this time, I have MORE student loans to pay off?

As far as #1 goes, I know that it seems like a big deal to everyone. But it is killing me to not have the motivation to finish. And six years ago I could have had a job that paid well enough to get myself out of debt. I might have even owned a house by now. Maybe started a family. And I am not even sure if I am going to find a job where my degree matters.

And for #2, well, you know, I have sent out a zillion resumes in the past and NEVER get any interviews, except for when the place *needs* to interview me because I am already a temporary employee.

Fear and regret. Shouldn’t be living the moment like that, but that is where I am. Where I always am.

More new furniture. Is this me making myself a real home? Something must be wrong with me. But really, I guess I could get kind of used to living here. I say this as I have an application out to a university 6 hours away from here. I am just tired of the “holding pattern”. I am ready to begin the next part of my life.

Which means that I need to finish my dissertation! Seriously. I am working on it today… and it is pretty close to being complete in the rough draft sense. Hopefully I can keep on plugging away.

Saturday was spent moving stuff from Lam’s apartment to the u-haul. From the u-haul to my apartment. Some of my stuff to the u-haul, then off to the storage unit that Lam and I have signed on to share. It is our 5×5 symbol of love.

I surprisingly had a good time yesterday moving everything with him. There was hardly any complaining - even when we had to carry a couch and a full size mattress set down four flights of stairs. I fall more in love with him each day.