I know that it isn’t late by most standards, but I tried hitting the hay about an hour ago and I just couldn’t get still. I started thinking about my dissertation and my life and what I am going to do next. And it just got to me.

Yeah, I have been working on resumes and cover letters. And most of the people I am working with now are giving me suggestions of people to talk to in industry. Hell - some of my students want to pass my resume onto their boss, you know, the people who let these students go to school full-time and still have a job. But deep down inside, I really don’t have the slightest idea what would make me happy.

I figured if I couldn’t sleep, I might as well get up and work on my disseration. But once I sat down at the computer, two things started haunting me:
1. Was going for this degree the worst thing I ever did for myself?
2. And what if I can’t find a job, just like the last time I graduated, but this time, I have MORE student loans to pay off?

As far as #1 goes, I know that it seems like a big deal to everyone. But it is killing me to not have the motivation to finish. And six years ago I could have had a job that paid well enough to get myself out of debt. I might have even owned a house by now. Maybe started a family. And I am not even sure if I am going to find a job where my degree matters.

And for #2, well, you know, I have sent out a zillion resumes in the past and NEVER get any interviews, except for when the place *needs* to interview me because I am already a temporary employee.

Fear and regret. Shouldn’t be living the moment like that, but that is where I am. Where I always am.

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