sucks.

You know, I thought these would stop once I was away from the stressful job. But no. As it turns out, I am just at the tip of the iceberg.

I have no idea what I want to do with myself. A friend of mine had offered me an amazing opportunity a year ago to be his winemaker. Yesterday I met with him and the offer had been retracted, in not so many words. He said that he would help me try and get a harvest job, but that was about it. So now I am stuck.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I am thinking about going to a career counselor. Does anyone have any recommendations for someone in a career crisis?

Last night Winemonkey told me that I should broaden my search to anywhere in the world. That we don’t need to stay here. And although that was awfully nice of him, I just can’t imagine moving away from here right now. Too many connections and I am tired of making new connections in other places. He must have forgotten how hard it was for him to get this job and how he was out of work for a while between two harvests’ ago and now.

Ever since i went to the doctor’s the other day for a physical i have been in a shitty shitty mood. i thought that maybe, just maybe my doctor would share some words of encouragement for losing more weight. but instead i was greeted to a “well i think you need to step it up a bit more”. 130. 130 is the weight she wants me to be at. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The only time I have ever seen that weight was when I was like 12 - pre-pubescent.

What i don’t understand: i am killing myself counting calories, working out, and paying attention to every little thing i eat. HOW - how is it possible to “step it up a little”? Go to the gym EVERYDAY and not have a life? Spend hours upon hours at the gym? - oh wait I already do that.

my attitude has gone from bad to worse in the past two days. everything has been irritating me. everything.

work: actually making progress today for the first time in about two months
love: if it is even possible i have fallen more in love with him
health: lost another five pounds, but wore myself out yesterday at the gym
money: switched to the envelope system and am now on track
car: got my car back from the dealer, with a new engine valve thingy, hoping this is not another lemon
freelance: made a little bit of progress on the new website, but have to find time to make a whole lot more in the coming days
overall: fantastic