Seriously. I would love to get rid of my left kidney. Does anyone want it? The Craiglist ad would read something like this:

Up for sale: Left kidney.

Description: The kidneys are complicated organs that have numerous biological roles. Their primary role is to maintain the homeostatic balance of bodily fluids by filtering and secreting metabolites (such as urea) and minerals from the blood and excreting them, along with water, as urine. Because the kidneys are poised to sense plasma concentrations of ions such as sodium, potassium, hydrogen, oxygen, and compounds such as amino acids, creatinine, bicarbonate, and glucose, they are important regulators of blood pressure, glucose metabolism, and erythropoiesis (the process by which red blood cells (erythrocytes) are produced).

Reason for selling: This kidney has produced, to this day, approximately six kidney stones. These stones are incredibly painful, however they typically lead to a hefty dose of Vicadin and other magical painkillers. I would only purchase this kidney if you eat an incredibly healthy diet and can handle the pain of child labor once every two or three years. Oh. And you should have health insurance to cover the cost of the trip to the emergency room.

Cost: Best offer.

I have taken it upon myself to be the social coordinator in my office. That is fine. I like being social. But the level of conversation that occurs during these outtings are way more personal than I want to be with coworkers. And frankly, I am kind of shocked at the level of immaturity that is rampant after only one drink. It really brings back memories of college. I loved college, but I like who I am now. I don’t need or really want to go back.

There was a kid coughing in class and our teacher told him to get a cough drop out of her closet. I instantly started coughing. For realsies. And she told me that I could stop faking and take a cough drop too. Everyone called me the teacher’s pet.

This had taught me the following things about myself:
1. I am suceptible to the power of suggestion.
2. I am the teacher’s pet, even when I am the teacher. It stems back to wanting to be liked. If people my age won’t like me, I get my superiors to like me.
3. For some reason I like the flavor of cough drops.

I had only two friends in 3rd grade. One of them lived very close to my elementary school. I would go over there to play probably about once or twice a week. Her mom showed me where they kept their snacks and I ate them. Sometimes in secret.

About a month later, I wasn’t invited over anymore. And my other “friend” told me that I was invited anymore because I ate too much. And she said I was fat.

Since I don’t remember very much about friends before this point in my life, I have to assume this was the first bad experience I had.

The last half of third grade I really didn’t have any friends. This experience has since taught me three things:
1. That friends talk shit about you behind your back and that is just life. Whether they do or not, I will always belief that they do.
2. Whether I am fat or not, that word will always stay with me.
3. I eat too much.

Thank you Jennifer and Betsy for being the beginning the disfunctionality that permeates 95% of my relationships. And for the perpetuation of self-consciousness regarding my size.

I have been in need if some serious wall décor in my studio apartment. But what I needed was something that could hold mail correspondence. So I made myself some french message boards. This is how I did it:

1. Bought a sheet of peg board (4 foot x 2 foot).

2. Asked the guy at Lowe’s to cut one 2 foot by 2 foot square and two 1 foot by 12 foot squares.

3. Bought 3/4 yards of tan fabric, 3/4 yards of brown fabric, one spool of brown ribbon and one crib-sized piece of batting.

4. I cut the pieces of fabric to cover each piece of wood with about a 1 inch overlap ok every side. I cut the batting to be a perfect fit.

5. I attached a piece of string by tying it through the holes in the wood so u could hang it.

6. Laid the fabric, then the batting, then the piece of wood on the floor and using a staple gun, I attached the edge of the fabric to the back of the wood.

7. I attached the ribbon using the staple gun.

8. I hung them up and began populating them.

This category should be relabeled “Genius” (I am going to make it a category… Go me!)

But I have to say, this list is a keeper. I love the new Genius function of iTunes and I love that I can use it on my iPhone on the go. The only thing I don’t like is that once I hook my iPhone up to my car stereo, it doesn’t let me use the function. But enough about the logistics. Here is the list! (the first song is always going to be the song I picked for the inspiration… I LOVE this Shins song. I have had the CD for years now and only recently did I stumble upon it.)

Young Pilgrims – The Shins
Crown Of Love - The Arcade Fire Funeral
Gravity Rides Everything – Modest Mouse
Naked As We Came – Iron & Wine
Casimir Pulaski Day – Sufjan Stevens
The Way We Get By – Spoon
Lost Cause – Beck
Crooked Teeth – Death Cab For Cutie
The World Has Turned and Left Me Here – Weezer
Finding Out True Love Is Blind – Louis XIV
Split Needles – The Shins
The Engine Driver – The Decemberists
The World at Large – Modest Mouse
Chicago – Sufjan Stevens
On The Radio – Regina Spektor
In The Backseat – The Arcade Fire
Where Is My Mind? – Pixies
Love And Some Verses – Iron & Wine
Kamera – Wilco
Needle In The Hay – Elliott Smith
Those To Come – The Shins
El Scorcho – Weezer
July, July! – The Decemberists
Zak & Sara – Ben Folds
He Lays In the Reins – Calexico & Iron and Wine