It occurred to me that I have been slacking in the most offensive way here. I went to a fabulous restaurant and I didn’t tell you what I ate. I went to a bad-ass taco dinner night with friends who I love and don’t see enough and you didn’t even know it. I bought what I need to make my own wine this year and you are the last to know. Did you know I baked the most awesome pink princess birthday party cake? I bet you didn’t. And somewhere in there I went camping at a beautiful reservoir where we encountered a bear! Maybe I told you that part…

But don’t worry. I haven’t even been spreading the love by telephone to those who’s numbers I have.

So let me start with the most recent: The pink princess birthday party cake. Well Pink Princess Birthday Party Cake and coordinating cuppycakes. (Her icing top was deftly removed by a four year old boy. The inappropriate humor that ensued is too much for me to repeat.)

You know what makes me feel so good about this cake? Is that this special little three year old pulled her step stool up to the side of the table to get a better look at her michellemade birthday cake. Something melts when a little girl tells you she thinks you made her something beautiful. You might also melt when you see another little girl eating her little cuppycake.

And, as a side note, there was a pink princess jumpy house. Which the adults TOTALLY used once most of the kids were gone. But this little guy hung with us even when we were jumping like maniacs.

Kid’s birthday parties. Nothing takes you back to your inner kid. God it felt good!

Up, up, up and down.

That has been the mood swing pattern every day for the last two or three months. Unless I don’t get out of the house during the day. If I don’t get out you can aptly describe the mood as down, down, and holy hell could you get any more down? This is the main cause for the lack of blogging.

Today I got another rejection letter. This one was from the city. Telling me that I was (wait for it. Hold your breath) NOT QUALIFIED. Right. Well I hate to tell the city here that I have been going to school for ten fucking years doing exactly what they described in their job posting. And I am sorry that they have some cheap-ass way of making people write essays that can’t quite hit on their qualifications… that they are more interested in whether candidates can name the make and model of every scientific instrument that they have ever touched.

Which leads me to my next rant. Why is that places like DeVry can place their graduates after they finish? And yet, when you have paid out your ass to get a Ph.D., you get nothing. No help. Maybe someone will look at your resume and say, “It looks good. I would hire you.” Which would be great if you wanted to be the assistant to the career counselor. But what about, “Here are some places to apply.” You don’t even have to hand me the job. Just help me figure out where I can fit. Where I might be happy. Because I apparently don’t know the answer to that anymore.

And nothing makes this worse than the fact that no matter how you feel during the day, the panic sets in when your head hits the pillow. And you decide that the best remedy to that is to come to the computer and blog. I tell you something… it really isn’t getting me any closer to some zzzz’s.

Sometime in the last few weeks I decided that my hair was too long and it was giving me a headache. I checked to make sure it was long enough to donate, and then made an appointment to get it cut.

So here are some before and after pictures… I had bedhead in my before picture, but I am sure that you will forgive me. You can click the pictures to make them bigger.

Here is the before shot…

This little braid is 10 inches long!

I love the lighting in my bathroom… makes the pictures glow nice and yellow.

Just the backside. It is crazy to have a bare neck!

I know that it isn’t late by most standards, but I tried hitting the hay about an hour ago and I just couldn’t get still. I started thinking about my dissertation and my life and what I am going to do next. And it just got to me.

Yeah, I have been working on resumes and cover letters. And most of the people I am working with now are giving me suggestions of people to talk to in industry. Hell - some of my students want to pass my resume onto their boss, you know, the people who let these students go to school full-time and still have a job. But deep down inside, I really don’t have the slightest idea what would make me happy.

I figured if I couldn’t sleep, I might as well get up and work on my disseration. But once I sat down at the computer, two things started haunting me:
1. Was going for this degree the worst thing I ever did for myself?
2. And what if I can’t find a job, just like the last time I graduated, but this time, I have MORE student loans to pay off?

As far as #1 goes, I know that it seems like a big deal to everyone. But it is killing me to not have the motivation to finish. And six years ago I could have had a job that paid well enough to get myself out of debt. I might have even owned a house by now. Maybe started a family. And I am not even sure if I am going to find a job where my degree matters.

And for #2, well, you know, I have sent out a zillion resumes in the past and NEVER get any interviews, except for when the place *needs* to interview me because I am already a temporary employee.

Fear and regret. Shouldn’t be living the moment like that, but that is where I am. Where I always am.